


fuck you and your war

by desperat



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky doesn't recognize Steve as Captain America, Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, First Meetings, M/M, Meet-Ugly, Modern Bucky Barnes, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Brock Rumlow/Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Past Relationship(s), Pre-Relationship, Rumlow is Bucky's abusive ex, Shrunkyclunks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 07:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23967790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desperat/pseuds/desperat
Summary: Bucky just wanted to exercise his newly found human skills, but when he got to the bar, he spotted his abusive ex - Brock Rumlow. Bucky panics, but fortunately handsome stranger is there to help him.*When Bucky finally opened his phone to text Steve, there was a single text from Sam from the VA.So, have you heard that Rumlow got his ass kicked by Captain America?It said.Wait.What?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 27
Kudos: 395





	fuck you and your war

It was getting hard to breathe, which was really just stupid. At this point, if only Bucky could force some oxygen into his lungs, he would get very frustrated with himself, because no way this should be this hard. Just thinking about Brock shouldn’t have him shaking, one glance at the man shouldn’t result in full blow panic attack.

Bucky was grown man and not a small one. Fucking soldier, for love of everything that’s holy. He lived through years of service, awful years that messed up his brain and filled his lungs with sand. He lived through being POW, learnt to live with a disability. And after all of this, all it took was one look, just one look at his shitty ex and he was hyperventilating and on the verge of tears.

And yet, here he was. Trying to even out his breathing Bucky was doing everything in his power to appear smaller than he was, to hide. That wasn’t very easy job, because he was, as stated before – not exactly a small person, but rather a large, muscular man with rather distinctive prosthetis. To make everything worse, the bar wasn’t crowded tonight, for which he would be usually very grateful, but now, crowd would be a welcome sight.

It wasn’t like Brock could really threaten him, Bucky knew that. Sure, he was strong man with military training and sadist strike but physically, he was no match for Bucky. Normally, he ate douchebags like him for breakfast. And yet, Rumlow never failed to intimidate, fucking paralyze him. One smirk from that fucker, and Bucky would break out in cold sweat like he was in Afghanistan all over again.

And even though he was told, hundreds of times, that he bearded no responsibility for what Brock did, actually believing it was much harder than just acknowledging it. Bucky just couldn’t help but feel disgusted by himself, for being so easy to break. He let so many people to take control away from him, and Rumlow was no exception in that matter. But he was different, because he was still here, still a danger, unlike the enemy, the war that he left behind him a long time ago.

It didn’t seem like Brock spotted him, at least not yet. For now, he was chatting with someone at one of the tables, looking deceptively harmless, dressed in his civilian clothes and smiling sincerely. Bucky felt for that front once, and he was afraid that he could to it again. Get tricked into believing that anything changed, that he should trust him.

Spiraling right into the overwhelming panic, Bucky haven’t notice the stranger until man was already leaning into the booth in which he took shelter.

“Are you alright?” the man asked, which was somewhat frustrating, because Bucky very obviously wasn’t. But the stranger didn’t looked like him primary concern was his wellbeing, as he squared his shoulders, like he was getting ready for a fight.

Which was. Not very nice, but understandable, Bucky though, working consciously to relax his shoulders and school his face into an expression that, he hoped, manifested only docility and mental stability. He couldn’t steady his breathing or his traitorous shaking right hand, but he hoped it was enough to convince stranger that he was not a threat for a public safety.

He must have succeeded, at least partially, because man’s eyes softened, as he slide into a seat opposite of Bucky.

“My name is Steve” he said, and looked at Bucky expectably. Oh right.

“Bucky Barnes” said Bucky, ignoring the way in which his voice was shaking in the slightest and hoarse, from not being used in the long time.

Steve smiled, still a bit tense, like he was honest to god expecting Bucky to snap.

“Too many people here?” he asked.

There was warm understanding growing in his eyes and Bucky looked at him closer. He could probably give him run for his money, with broad chest and muscled arms, a stiff posture, clean shave and a haircut probably meaning he was also a military.

“You could say that” Bucky responded finally, painfully obvious that it was probably the longest human interaction he had in weeks, apart of the therapy sessions. “It’s…” he hesitated for a moment, not wanting to humiliate himself, but not feeling particularly up to inventing excuses for why he’s scaring patrons of the random bar. In the end, he decides he doesn’t really care. “It’s not really the crowd, I just. My ex is here. I didn’t expect that”.

Steve looked vaguely sympathetic, tension still visible in his eyes, like he was trying to predict what is going to happen next.

“I understand” he said. Bucky can guarantee, that he does not. Whatever. “You planning on talking to her?”, and there it is again. Concern for the safety of civilians.

Bucky can’t help but wonder, what does he looks like in this man’s eye. Unstable veteran, who’s planning on attacking his poor ex-girlfriend?

“Fuck no” he says, and can’t help it, but glance at Brock, who’s still immersed in the conversation. “He was and asshole. I just want to get out of here without him noticing” and thank god, Steve didn’t look particularly disgusted at the reveal of Bucky’s not-so-straightness. What he did do, was to follow Bucky’s gaze. He looks at the table where Brock’s sitting and then do a double take at Bucky, for the first time since he approached him, his face showing some genuine emotion, not a carefully schooled expression. “Brock Rumlow?” he asked carefully. “Brock Rumlow is your ex-boyfriend?”

Blood was roaring is Bucky’s ears, world rapidly shrinking around him, as he’s realizing the implication of what was said to him. Of course he fucking knows Brock. How many people affiliated with military could simultaneously and independently be at this random bar at weekday? Steve was going to laugh, was going to call out for Brock and Bucky can’t do shit to stop him.

Metal plates of his arm whirred.

World around him faded to black.

*

There were gentle hands keeping him up, steadying him, as he sucked in the fresh air with deep breaths. Somebody was calling out his name, but it felt like they were speaking to him from a far away. His own heartbeat was loud in his ears, surprisingly steady. For a moment, he couldn’t remember where he was and that made him jerk back into consciousness.

He was sitting on the pavement outside the unfortunate bar, sweat cold on his skin, even though the evening was still warm. Fresh air made it easier to think clearly, even if he still was far from calm. Street was mostly empty, except for Steve, who was crouching near Bucky, yet too close for his liking, but clearly giving him a space. Still, seeing him there made Bucky jerk away.

“You kind of blacked out there, pal” said Steve. He didn’t ask if Bucky was okay. There was firm set in his jaw, like he was angry, yet he seemed way more relaxed than in the bar. Bucky said nothing. “Sorry for that” Steve continued. “But I swear Rumlow haven’t seen you. My friend is making sure he stays in there long enough to give you time to get away from here.”

“Um” said Bucky, “why?”

Steve looked to the side, blush creeping up on his face.

“Well I sort of assumed some pretty shitty things about you and just made situation worse instead of helping you, so I owned you that at least” he said. “I mean, you said you wanted to get out of there, I hope I didn’t overstepped.”

Bucky looked at him incredulously. In the bar, Steve didn’t seemed like a person who would blush and trip over his words explaining to stranger why he was compelled to help them, but Bucky guessed that this situation was stressful for all parties involved.

Bucky stand up and Steve mimicked his movement, still maintaining a distance. “But isn’t Brock your friend?” he asked, wondering what to make out of this situation. This wasn’t really a behavior he usually associate with people who knew Rumlow. Not to say that they were all assholes like him, but still.

Steve blushed even more. Bucky almost snorted. The situation was getting ridiculous, and the other man seemed cuter with every second.

“I’m not his friend. You could say we’re coworkers- we work for the same contractor” he explained. “And I completely agree with you that he’s very much of an asshole”, smile slowly spreading his lips.

So the man worked for SHIELD. Hmm. He didn’t really seemed like the type to be associated with secretive government agencies, Brock much more matching the stereotype. But Bucky decided against voicing this sentiment. He probably wasn’t allowed to talk about it anyway, especially not to some crazy stranger he had to drag out from a bar.

Awkward silence fell between them.

“Right”, Bucky cleared his throat, “I better get going” he said and turned around.

The uncomfortable tightness that was making it hard to breath was back in his chest, his head clear but thoughts buzzing on the verge on his consciousness. This is not gonna be the good night, he’ll be luck if he gets any sleep at all. He didn’t have any more of these sleep pills left, but he could manage one night. Tomorrow though, tomorrow he’s gonna call his therapist, probably schedule early visit. The most important things for now was: not to overthink all that, it’s not going to help, it’s-

“Wait” called Steve, and jogged up to Bucky. “Aren’t you going to take a cab?”

Bucky shrugged “My apartment’s only few blocks away.”

Besides, he didn’t really mind the walk. It would be nice to clear his head a little, breathe the evening air. He never knew walking could be so damn enjoyable, but since he get back, that was pretty much his favorite past time. Much better that being trapped in a car with stranger, or even worse – in metal tube filled with them.

“Oh-” the other man stuttered. “Well. Would you let me walk you?” he asked, and promptly blushed, which, at this point, was really expected. What surprised Bucky, though, was the offer. He stopped to look Steve in the eyes, wondering yet again what’s this man angle.

“Look, pal” he said, a little harsher than he meant to. “I’m really grateful for the help but you don’t have to do this. I had an attack, that happens. I’m a grown ass man and can get back to my place by myself, you don’t need to baby me.”

As soon as he said that, Bucky felt guilty, because come on, this man was unreal. Steve gave him puppy eyes that would give Becca’s pleading gaze run for its money. Also, Bucky was really being unfair. Steve was nothing if not helpful since he approached him in the bar, even if he had some misconception about him at the beginning. It’s not his fault that he knows Brock, there were a lot of unfortunate folks like that in this world.

Bucky just could help but be wary. Which, really not that surprising given how most years of his adult life played out. Looking for the hidden motives in everyone and not trusting their allegedly good intentions was natural, his therapist said. Being betrayed by his commanding officer and then getting into abusive relationship the minute he finally stepped on the American soil did that to a person.

Still. “Sorry” he said quickly. “I have- issues”, Bucky cringed as soon as he said that, but it was a truth, and Steve could already tell that, “It would be nice actually”. Steve’s megawatt smile was enough of a payback.

*

For a few minutes they walked in silence, and Bucky was sincerely surprised with how much he was enjoying this. Steve’s presence haven’t felt intrusive, rather it was calming and reassuring. Bucky couldn’t help but wondered, is that the effect the other man has on everybody, or was it just that Bucky was desperate for any human contact. Probably the later, but that was okay.

“So did you actually your night out before you spotted this unstable and possibly armed vet, Steve?” asked Bucky suddenly, because he was, in fact, a little bit of an asshole.

Steve’s reaction was just as he imagined, man getting red like a tomato and flustered. “I didn’t-” he spluttered and gaped at smirking Bucky. “Okay, maybe that’s what I thought” he said eventually. “Sorry for that. But well, no, I didn’t really enjoyed it. That’s why I spotted you, actually”, Steve was talking with his eyes glued to the pavement.

Bucky felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment, but that was not enough to stop him. “Well, if you were looking for trouble, you definitely found it” he said. Steve laughed out loud and huh. Wasn’t that a nice sound.

Once they started talking, it seemed like they couldn’t stop. Steve was really much different that Bucky would originally thought. He was neither that stuck up commending officer he act like in the bar, nor the all-American straight boy he seemed to be with all that blushing and what not. To be honest, he was a little bit of an asshole, just like Bucky was, which was pretty great. But the best thing was, he didn’t threat Bucky like all the people since his break-up with Brock did. Steve didn’t act like Bucky was a ticking bomb ready to go off if he’s not treated like his made of porcelain.

Bucky was taken aback with how much he missed it, the normal human interaction, even the small talk, that usually seemed so unnecessary. They talked about mundane staff, Steve sharing funny stories about his coworkers and letting out a warm laugh at Bucky’s bitching about the local coffee shops tiring clientele. Nothing really personal, and yet it felt good to have someone listen and not connect every little thing he share to his trauma.

Another thing was, Steve seemed weirdly familiar. Something about his face and his voice made Bucky think that maybe they actually met before? That wasn’t very happy though, seeing as the other man knew Brock, but that was probably nothing, just his paranoia waking up again. In the army he met so many blonde beefcakes, no wonder that this one looked familiar. Albeit, this one was definitely the prettiest.

What? He had eyes.

*

When they stopped under his building, Bucky actually regret that the walk wasn’t longer. And if Steve’s sour face was anything to judge from, he thought the same.

In the end, Steve ends up on Bucky’s ratty couch, some utterly stupid Netflix series playing in the background and neither of them knows how did that happened. But Bucky’s not going to look gift horse in the mouth and focus to much on how improbable whole that situation is, because while very romantic comedy-esque it’s also good for him.

Steve is really nice and understanding but Bucky still doesn’t expect that when he says “Listen, about Rumlow”, he seems pained as words leave his mouth, and Bucky brace himself for something bad. Maybe they are friends after all? Is it possible that Brock send him to- spy on him? But before Bucky can spiral into another panic attack, Steve continuous “look, I wasn’t lying when I said we work together but I also omitted some facts. Because, I’m- well I’m not his boss per se, but I am his superior and it would be really helpful knowing if he manifest any violent tendencies on a daily basis. I obviously don’t want to pressure you into talking about anything you don’t wanna talk about-”.

Bucky stopped him, squeezing his wrist, not trusting his voice in the moment to not betray how shaken he felt. He didn’t make a habit of going around and telling strangers about his deepest, darkest trauma, but Steve seemed to be an exception in a lot of ways for him. It had to be in that baby-blues of his.

“Okay” Bucky says, eventually, takes a deep breathe. Maybe it will be easier to breathe, once he get this of his chest. He talks.

He and Brock met the same week that Bucky left the hospital. He was ghost of his old self, barely able to do the grocery shopping, with no place to live, chronic pain, no arm and suicidal tendencies that he hid from all the medical stuff pretty well. He was thinking, it’s not like anybody’s gonna cry after him, not with his family long gone before he even enlisted. So when Brock showed up at the VA when Bucky was there to listen about shelters he haven’t planned on using, it was like a fucking miracle.

Brock thought he was hot, and he was really pushy. While Bucky still had troubles remembering he was a human person back then, he quickly found himself living with the man, and depended on him for pretty much every aspect of his life. And in the beginning, first few weeks or so, it wasn’t back. Sure, Brock was asshole no matter what, but Bucky was a little bit of and asshole himself. Things started to change once Bucky got a proposition to be in Stark’s program for a veterans with perspective of new and shiny, high tech prothesis.

From the time perspective it was obvious that Brock got scared that once Bucky have a functioning arm he’s gonna get more independent, maybe even go to the therapy and realize what shitty situation he was in. So he made sure that Bucky doesn’t have enough autonomy to do that. The weeks that followed were a pure nightmare, even or maybe especially for somebody who basically already lived through all of that.

In the end, what got him out was that Stark’s program. On one day, Bucky went to the meeting for that and just never came back. Lived in shelter for little while, until eventually VA got him a job which let him rent a small apartment, finally get on his feet.

When he stopped talking, Bucky was surprised with how easy that came to him. But that was probably thanks to Steve, who was listening attentively, not taking his eyes from Bucky even for a one moment. His hand somehow found it’s way to Bucky’s ankle and was stroking it gently. That was nice.

“I’m sorry that happened to you” said Steve.

“Yeah, well, shit happens” responded Bucky defaulting to self-depreciation. “I just really don’t want to ever speak to him again, so if you could not mention to him that you talk to me, that would be great.”

That made Steve’s eyes darken with anger.

“I will make sure he doesn’t bother you ever again” he said, choosing words carefully. “I really don’t like bullies and I’m just angry with myself that I haven’t notice that Rumlow is that kind of a person.”

Bucky laughed.

“You and me both, pal” he said.

Steve paled at the implication, looking ready to apologize, and Bucky couldn’t really let him do that, could he. Sure, in the retrospection the way he choose to stop him wasn’t the smartest one, but what can he say, he never was the brain of the operation.

Steve’s lips was really soft as they opened with a surprised sound as Bucky kissed him. When the realization of what he’s done hit him, he almost panicked but also- it was first kiss he enjoyed in years. He deepened the kiss, his hands moving to Steve’s waist, as he let his weight lean on the other man. Of course, no good things in his life could last too long.

“Bucky” said Steve, stopping the kiss.

He was impossibly gentle, putting his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and pushing him back. Bucky felt something tightening in his chest as his cheeks burnt with embarrassment, but before he could say anything or apologize for assuming that just because Steve showed him a compassion he was attracted to him, the other man continued.

“No, look, Bucky I would really love to get to know you better, but I don’t think it’s the best idea to jump right into the physical side of the relationship” he said, smiling gently. “How about we finish up watching the movie and then maybe get some sleep?”

There was nothing in sincerity in his voice.

“Sorry” said Bucky. “It was stupid.”

That made Steve – and what a surprise – blush. “It was not” he responded. “Just badly timed”.

In the end, they fall asleep on Bucky’s ratty couch, room dimly lit but a TV playing quietly in the background. It was uncomfortable as hell, as they were both equally large man on a really small sofa but it was probably the best few hours of sleep Bucky had in years. Steve’s arm was a steady pressure around him, making him feel safe.

*

Bucky woke up alone, still on the couch, but with pillow under his head and blanket that definitely wasn’t there before covering him. Usually he was startled awake by his alarm, but this time, it was unfamiliar scent that made him regain consciousness. It took him a while to remembered what exactly happened last night, but when he did, he promptly sit up.

“Are you-” he managed to say, voice hoarse and still not conveying him being fully awake. “Are you making fucking pancakes?”

Bucky was pretty sure that he didn’t even had the ingredients for pancakes in his kitchen.

The only response he got was a laugher, so he force himself to get up. It looked like Steve made himself at home in Bucky’s poorly equipped kitchen. He looked unfairly good, seeing as they only got a few hours of sleep and on lumpy couch on the top of that. Now, in the daylight Bucky finally realized, how insanely attractive Steve was, the fact that he was only vaguely aware of at night.

He also looked even more familiar. Was Steve famous?

Bucky quickly abandoned that train of thought, as plate stocked with pancakes as cup of coffee have been placed in front of him. There was maple syrup and butter on the plate. Bucky definitely didn’t own a maple syrup before.

“Did you went shopping?” he asked incuriously.

Steve blushed. “Well, you didn’t really had any food. And I didn’t want to leave before you wake up but I also needed to eat a breakfast. It was really just an act of egoism.”

“Sure, pal” Bucky smirked. Then, he added sincerely, “Thank you. For everything.”

Steve blushed some more and waved it off, “Don’t mention it.”

For a few minutes, they ate in comfortable silence, Steve wolfing down on his share of pancakes, while Bucky consumed his at more socially acceptable pace. It was weirdly domestic, seeing as they only knew each other for not even twelve hours, but he enjoyed it thoughtfully, feeling surprisingly peaceful.

Eventually, Steve eat his portion, insisted on doing the dishes and had to go.

Before he left, he handed Bucky a small piece of paper with a number scribbled on it. “I would love to talk to you again some time”, he said, blushing.

Bucky watched him go, feeling a warmth spreading all over him. Yeah, everything will be okay.

*

When Bucky finally opened his phone to text Steve, there was a single text from Sam from the VA.

_So, have you heard that Rumlow got his ass kicked by Captain America?_ It said.

Wait.

What?

**Author's Note:**

> title hastily translated by me from Lao Che [Wojenka](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2JUFe9sND4)
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/desperatnine)


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